So, obviously I knew becoming a mom would be stressful. I would worry about Anderson's all around safety and happiness among many other things, but what I never considered were the stresses that I'm feeling lately.
Anderson's 4 month shots are coming up tomorrow and I am TERRIFIED about them. First of all, his 2 month shots were something I know I'll never forget- the pain and horror in his eyes till this day freaks me out. Luckily I know he's long forgotten them. Well, now I worry that maybe I should not give him his shots just yet for fear of something worse than what they are vaccinating him for! (And what really are the chances that he'll get the measles anyway!) I've been reading and hearing too much about autism and it scares the living daylights out of me. I also don't want to see him all happy again only to be poked painfully in the leg four times...ugh!
Another thing that keeps me up at night is the fear of leaving him with a sitter. It is NOT the fear of anything happening to him because obviously I would only leave him with people I trust 200%. It's the fear that he'll cry the entire time, or that the person watching him will be incredibly overwhelmed. The main thing that worries me is that he won't take a bottle so if he is hungry (which I can pretty much guarantee he won't be as I feed him before I would ever leave him and not leave him long enough to be hungry again) and then what??
I suppose I should give Anderson and my friends and family who want to watch him much more credit. I know they will all survive- I'm not the ONLY person who can watch him or make him happy- but at times I feel that way.
So, I wonder- do all moms feel this way? Is this normal? Should I leave him with a sitter more often to get him used to this? When does it get easier? Or does it at all?
This is all coming from a mom who got about 4 hours of sleep last night, so keep that in mind! But, in all reality, I think about this stuff daily... I just love him- more than I even imagined I could....
4 comments:
Kate, as I read your comments, I couldn't help but remember how I felt when JT was born. To begin with, because he developed jaundice, he didn't come home with me but had to remain at the hospital for more than 2 weeks...THE LONGEST two weeks of my life! All I had wanted was to be a mommy...I'd waited nine long months only to be told that my child was too sick to come home with me. When we were finally able to bring him home with us, I would sit at the edge of the bed, face his crib and watch him breathe...I'd hear every little squeak and wiggle and would go running to his crib every few minutes. We still had to go to the hospital every few days to check his blood and those pokes on his little heels would reduce both of us to tears every time! I was powerless to take the pain away and what made it worse was knowing I had to bring him back again for more test in a day or two. Talk about stress!
I thought no one could care for him as good as I could; no one could hold him the special way I held him and though he was a VERY happy baby, he didn't care to spend much time with anyone besides me. He'd cry whenever I'd leave him with anyone else for more than just a few minutes and when I'd return and would hold him in my arms, it was as if his little tearful eyes were telling, "Mommy, I thought you were NEVER coming back!"
I soon realized that as close as my son and I had become in just those few short months, for my own sanity and mental health, not to mention for his own healthy growth, I HAD to get him used to spending short periods of time without me. It was difficult at times...tearful at others...but we made it through it all. The worries you are feeling are totally normal and I'd venture to say every new mommy feels them in one way or another. You have to remember that whoever you have trusted to care for AJ for the short time you are away is worthy of your trust (or you never would have walked out the front door to begin with) and given enough opportunity, AJ will eventually come to enjoy his time with them and STILL be happy to see his mommy when you return. If he cries while you are gone, he will eventually stop...he can't cry forever...although when it's happening, it sure seems like he'll never stop!
Worry is normal...and all the encouragement in the world won't really stop you from worrying, I'm afraid. The funny thing is that by the time you have your second child, you'll be setting up babysitters before you leave the hospital! By then you'll realize that in spite of all the worrying and fretting, your babies will survive and you and your babies will grow up together in a sense...you, wiser and so full of love for your children and they, thinking that the sun, moon and stars obey your every command...until they learn to say "NO!" ... then all bets are off! heehee
Try to relax and enjoy each day...the more you can relax, the less room there is for stress or worry. Know that you are doing a GREAT job with AJ...and I couldn't ask for a better daughter-in-law or mommy for my new grandson.
Kate,
I can very much relate to your apprehension about getting AJ vaccinated. I went, and still go through those same feelings with Owen. So much so, that at his 2 month doctor appointment I left the office in tears, without getting them done. It took a lot of research and talking to other mothers about vaccines to finally take that leap and get them done. I do believe that there are worse things out there that can harm the life of our children than autism. Don't get me wrong it scares me to death, but losing my son to a disease that a vaccine could have helped scares me more. I was never vaccinated, and that makes it doubly hard for me, as I have been healthy my whole life.
As for leaving AJ with a sitter, I don't have the same worries you do. Maybe it stems from the fact that we bottle feed Owen. Just knowing that he'll get fed and calmed no matter what helps. I can only imagine how you feel though, since you are AJ's sole food source. We have only left Owen with his Grandmother twice, and not more than 4 hours. He also gets "quality time" with his daddy twice a week when I get out of the house to go to cake decorating class, or Church activities. Believe me, everytime I get time away, I am ready to get back to him!
It amazes me to think that before I had Owen I was so worried I would "lose" out on the things in life I loved, that my identity would be compromised. Selfish, I know. However, with him in my life none of those things seem important anymore. I realize my role as a mother and what I've got now is so much better!
Obviously by the time I was born my mom didn't worry about me...guess I was self sufficient at birth...haha
I definitely know all you feel is normal, I still have anxiety with Chase and he is almost 8...if you were leaving AJ with a sitter 12 hrs a day so you could go to the bar and smoke a doobie, then I think we would all think something was strange!!
In all seriousness, soak up all you can with him cuz as you already know, time seems to go quicker with each year that passes! But also give yourself mental health time away from him!
I know what you mean about the babysitting thing. As you know, I teach piano and I have to have a sitter come and watch Preston during my teaching time (or else it is crazy!). So I've gotten used to having someone else watch him. BUT it is when Will and I leave him with someone so that we can go out on a date.
2 weekends ago we went out for a datenight and left Preston with a sitter for 6 hours. I was really nervous about this because Preston does not like to take bottles either. ALL day long before our date, we were practicing with the bottle and he still wouldn't take it. I was like "great, how is he supposed to eat?"
I just had to trust that eventually he will get so hungry that he will take the bottle.
Luckily, our friend that was babysitting him is a mom and about 15 years older than me so she had some tricks up her sleeve that I didn't know about.
No, Preston did not take the bottle. But she said she was able to feed him by taking a clean washcloth and dipping it into the milk and letting him suck on the cloth. He loved it. Yes it made a complete mess all over his outfit and she had tochange him afterwards, but she said he got 4 oz that way.
I don't know, it is just a thought. Maybe next time you leave him with someone, give them that idea in case the bottle doesn't work out. At least that way you know he is at least getting SOMETHING to eat and has a way to soothe himself.
I'm sorry you are feeling so stressed though. I know...before I ever had Preston I didn't know how mothers did it. How do you know when to take them to the doctor? How often to I feed him? When does he do this or that? I have found that it is a "learning as I go" sort of thing, but also a lot of it is just my own motherly instinct. Every mother knows their own baby and you have to trust that.
Also having other moms to chat with and read blogs helps a lot too. :) Hehe. You are doing great though kate. That little guy couldn't have asked for a cooler mom.
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